The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me.

I haven't posted in a while. Hello.

Late March to early April, I went on a holiday trip with my family. We went to a hotel next to a beach (yippee!) to meet extended family from my grandpa's (my mom's side). It was kinda a blast but I didn't swim there. In fact, I can't even swim. But it was fun. I took some pics and picked up some corals that were lying out there. They were nice.

A few weeks ago I went to a film workshop that was held in an Islamic university here. I love films, and one of the committee members on it is someone I knew since middle school so... why not. I didn't dress like some Muslims would expect me to (cuz, I'm, y'know) but thankfully they didn't mind. They were very welcoming. (Not that they know what I am anyway.) In fact, some of the committee members thought I was really cool, LOL. But yeah, it was kinda fun. They had two Indonesian filmmakers as the speakers, and I learned a lot. Idk if I want to make a movie yet, but having the knowledge is not gonna hurt anyone. :P And they're gonna have a film festival in September, so fuck yeah I'll be there to watch.

Well... college already started and I'm honestly kinda exhausted trying to keep up with the discussions and assignments. I mean, I know I can do it. But it's kinda annoying having to remember the deadlines. :P Not to mention that this semester I'm having a capstone project, and all of this is gonna be done online, and some people in my group are VERY inactive. Cool. I'm tired and very close to crash out and shit. But it's fine. I'm graduating next year.

Speaking of college, there's finally a language club for my university. And it's fun. I'm in it. There's nothing more to say about it, I guess. At least I don't feel very isolated anymore(?)

I'm also in this state of extreme... Anything. Something good happens? THAT'S GREAT! A minor inconvenience happens? Well, I'm very close to end my life. This line of thinking is making me exhausted, most of the time I find myself gaslighting myself that everything is fine. (Honestly don't know if it is, I'm just trying to be hopeful. Not that I'm that suicidal anyway. I decided not to kill myself no matter what. Well, maybe in a certain occasion.)

That's it, I guess. Sorry (I'm not) for any grammar mistakes and shit. I'm trying to summarize my life this month so I can keep track of my life... For myself. I think. Idk. If you read this, I hope you found it entertaining. If not then, oh well, the world keeps spinning.

Happy Labor Day.

I made my own DW layout, everyone. Well, I can't really say that I really made it... It was inspired by some journal I found while I was randomly scrolling through latest things. And by inspired I mean this has almost the same layout as that journal, except for the colors and some parts. The worst thing is that I don't remember whose journal was it, but still, shoutout to them. Heh, I talk too much.

I am officially 21 years old (thank you, Valentine's day), and there's nothing interesting happening in my life. I'm an adult now for fuck's sake. Why can't I be just fucking normal. Every day it's either: feeling like I want to kill myself or feeling insanely bored. Or both. Sometimes I want to kill myself out of boredom.

Well, I study sometimes. But with fasting at the moment I can't really use my brain 100%. I was thinking of doing an internship but most of the ones that I'm interested in are unpaid. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you all. I fucking hate it. We all need money, we aren't fucking slaves. Sometimes I think it's better to collectively kill ourselves. Maybe the Earth has too much human living in it. People should stop fucking procreating. I hate everything and I'm tired.

Of course, with the new president, we're all gonna fucking die. This motherfucker, who's a war criminal by the way, is going to jeopardize our lives and money and OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we all should just fucking die. I'm surprised that Indonesia is still standing strong because the government is doing everything they can to ruin our country. Fuck you. FUck you fuck you fuck you I hope you all die a horrible death. I can't love this country like I used to.

A lot of Indonesian people are talking about leaving this country and some stupid cunts will say something like, "wHerE's yOuR nAtIonAliTy??!!!@" BITCH. DID THE GOVERNMENT EVER DO SOMETHING GOOD TO YOU? NO. Unless you're fucking rich and a part of the elites, yeah, the government did everything good to you. Kill yourself. Greedy fucking bitches. For the past decade we've been living in HELL. No amount of protesting can change the state of this country I'm afraid.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I also can't seem to connect with people properly. That's fucking great.

Will have my exam results in like, a week? I need to check the calendar again. I really hope I have good results cuz I've worked my ass off for that.

I like it when I finally have a few months off after 3 months of college. I don't get to put my energy to think really hard about my courses, and I can just relax. But after while, it's getting kinda boring and makes me contemplate my whole life. Not really great. Maybe I should text some friends and hang out with them? Idk...

Been thinking of actually get a job (haha, I know, I've said this many times) but my procrastination always wins! But I've been earning some money from selling stuff, so that's a good start. Even though it's not much, at least I can save them up to buy a chest binder, or something.

There was a small rat that came down from our roof (I don't even know how) and I'm afraid it's a little... Ermm... Dumber than the previous ones. We've been trying to get it out though. It's a shame cuz it's really cute :( I took some pictures of it a few days ago.

Hrgh. So bored lately. Maybe I should continue writing a fanfiction I abandoned a few months back...